A Modest Proposal:
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For Preventing the Poor from further Burdening the Economy and Emergency Rooms, and for making them Beneficial to the Public
It is an unsightly thing for those who walk through this great town or travel the country, to see the streets, the roads, and apartments cluttered with beggars, unhinged veterans, and self-righteous street kids with Ramones buttons and poorly thought-out tattoos. Although the economic crash of 2008 has turned around positively for Wall Street, there is still the problem of the poor capitalizing on the high unemployment rate to siphon money from bank relief funds to float their own wretched existences. More distressingly, these poor have banded together in majority support of public health care, which amounts to an unveiled money- grab at America’s elite, the top 10% that owns 71% of the nation’s wealth.
Sadly, the throngs of the poor are only increasing their ranks through excessive birthing, and by the middle class yielding to laziness and self-indulgence. They refuse to work and make an honest living, turn their backs on binding loans entrusted to them by our bankers and credit-card companies, and worse, they then demand medical charity. Is it not enough that the uninsured have reaped the benefits of laws requiring emergency rooms to tend to people claiming serious injury? More and more of the under-insured and uninsured are seeking care in emergency rooms, wasting $14 billion of taxpayer money every year.
I am not referring to upstanding Americans; I speak of the very least productive segment of the population. The bottom 90% only generates 29% of the nation’s wealth and yet they spend their days depleting valuable resources from the contributing members of society. The poor have failed to better their lives and shamelessly neglect their neighborhoods, parks, and schools. They are relentless in their demand for government handouts.
It does not take an economist to calculate their burden to the economy and high society. It troubles no one more than me to see this vast inequity of talent, hard-work, and individual worth amongst Americans. The bottom 90% must not be rewarded for pursuing blue-collar careers, teaching, and non-profit endeavors. This adds almost no incremental wealth to the country. In a country as free as ours, we are the masters of our own destinies, provided one comes from a lineage endowed with intelligence and strength of character. Let us make no mistake, those who elect to be the deadweight of the bottom 90% should liable for those decisions.
It is already an unsettling experience to go to a doctor, but imagine having to wait in the same room and receive the same services as a recently unemployed factory worker—or worse—a single mother with 6 children in tow. Their plight is their own and I expect a certain decorum in our institutions of healing. Otherwise, on what would we base our standards of medical excellence?
As I have mentioned, the masses have been meeting to discuss a public option, which would undoubtedly result in our hospitals turning into assembly points for ruffians and communists and would, no doubt, accumulate the stink of a public library. I think I speak for everyone when I say that this option need be explored no further.
THE SOLUTION:
I shall now humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will not be liable to the least objection. I have been assured by a very knowing Chinese acquaintance of mine, that a healthy child or young adult can fetch a most handsome price in the market for organ transplants. I do therefore offer it to public consideration that of the 45 million uninsured already computed, 20% be reserved for breeding, whereof only ¼ part to be males, which is more than we allow sheep, cattle, and swine. The remaining 80% would be offered in sale to persons of fortune in this great country.
This would undoubtedly eliminate organ transplant waits for paying customers. One need wait no longer for a timely death to replace a cognac-pickled liver or filet-mignon-encrusted heart. The organs will be volunteering themselves in exchange for low-cost medical insurance and a hefty non-taxed payment to the carcass’ families. This would mean up to $4,000 for working-class families who choose to sell a child or relative.
A recent study released by Harvard University calculated that nearly 45,000 people a year die due to lack of insurance; this is an inexcusable waste. Their body parts could be harvested and be truly appreciated by the more productive members of society. Amongst this pool alone, we would generate nearly $135 million in organ inventory per year.
While 13 million of the nation’s most virile 20-35 year-olds are uninsured, we need not consider them useless and unprofitable. They boast the finest organs, and with the high unemployment rate, more families and lovers would be willing to sell their 20-35 year-olds to pay for mounting housing, educational, and medical costs. This is an opportunity rarely afforded to people with such little money and few skills. This is their chance to give back to society, make an honest living, and do immeasurable good to the nation’s elite.
There are enumerable other benefits. In addition to vital organ harvesting, I propose to open up a whole new market in non-vital harvesting. Annually, Americans spend $13 billion on cosmetic surgery, be it on silicon, monkey hair plugs, metal joints, botox, or synthetic cartilage. We have the opportunity to make use of millions of otherwise indolent citizens for cosmetic surgical part extraction.
I see no benefit in using expensive silicon breast augmentations when some of our nation’s finest mammaries would available for sale. Perhaps your socialite daughter suffers from an offensively large nose; she could simply select a nose of her choosing from thousands of attractive faces. Not only would this help her maintain a natural look, but she would know that the corpse was certified organic. A dear friend of mine often complains of his aging wife who has succumbed to grotesque skin sag and wrinkles. She would be saved from using potentially harmful chemical peels and creams; she could simply have supple baby skin graphed to her face, neck, and chest.
The dwindling and thriftier middleclass (as I confess the times require) could be the ideal market for flayed carcasses—used to make commercial accessories. Human skin, when properly treated, can make admirable clutches and totes for ladies and debonair boots for gentlemen. Although the use of human skin for luxury fashion has been looked down upon in the past, if quality and stylish garments were strategically placed on Miley Cyrus, Megan Fox, and David Beckham, I am confident these products would soon acquire couture appeal.
Several knowledgeable Washington lobbyists have been so kind as to review and amend my proposal. Their additions are as follows:
1. We must make sure that the carcasses with diseased or past-prime organs not be wasted. Past-prime organ donors would be sold to a less profitable international market, bringing in an additional $7 billion annually.
2. People with non-comprehensive insurance would have the option of donating either their own duplicate organs or those of a family member to cover out-of-pocket expenses, yearly premiums, or deductibles.
3. Diseased bodies, living or otherwise, would be sold to pharmaceutical companies or University Hospitals for medical testing. Although these low-grade patients would fetch lower prices, the aggregate profits to American families could be almost $50 million annually and generate incalculable profits to society in the form of medical advancements.
I can think of no objection that could possibly be raised against this proposal, unless it be in regards to price caps on healthy organs. The families of the donors will undoubtedly attempt to charge the rich unfair prices for the bodies, given their recent cries for socialism. I think it is well established that affordability is an integral part of the health care system overhaul.
I profess, in the sincerity of my heart, that I have not the least personal interest in endeavoring to promote this necessary work, having no other motive than the public good of my country, for providing a means of relief for the poor, and giving some benefit and pleasure to the rich. I myself am sterile and have few living relatives and therefore could not profit from my otherwise excellent genes.
gforce @ November 13, 2009
The Limits of Control: A Test of Patience
Posted in: Reviews, Uncategorized | Comments (0)
Two hours into it—that’s the Limit of my Control before I had to escape Jim Jarmusch’s three-hour homage to his own brain diarrhea in script form.
The plot, or lack there of, consisted of following a mysterious, strong, and solitary stranger hired to go on a glorified scavenger hunt through the shady streets of Spain. He spends two hours of your life collecting messages in matchboxes from a series of cartoon-like characters involved in an avant-garde criminal operation.
Though the cinematography, by Christopher Doyle, was outstanding, the director managed to spoil the stunning scenes of Spain with absolutely no storyline and characters whose only depth came from their costume designers. You would think that with an all-star cast like Bill Murray, Gale Garcia Bernal, and Oscar winning Tilda Swinton, that the director would be more original than introduce them all with, “you don’t speak Spanish, do you?” The monotony of his the repetition was only rivaled by that of the many “art film” clichés.
Perhaps most frustratingly, Jarmusch insisted that everyone with a speaking role provide some thought-provoking morsel of wisdom. However, the philosophical tid-bits made little to no sense and the artsy buzzwords only reminded the viewer that they are not as smart or deep as Jim Jarmusch.
The only shocking twist in the end, is me walking out to sneak into Anvil, a truly worth while work of art.
http://www.anvilthemovie.com/
gforce @ June 5, 2009
Winners!
Posted in: Contests | Comments (0)
Thank you internet community for your overwhelming response to this online word contest!! After weeks of thought, we have decided on two very special winners!!
Winners:
Chris D.
cripster - member of a hipster gang. often wields numerous scarves and neon colored glasses. characteristic “cripster walk” induced by testicular discomfort as a result of wearing pants that are way too tight.
procrasturbation - the real reason things don’t get done on time.
David L.
Jewdling (v): A small drawing that lowers your credit score
Double negative (n): Two ugly people kissing in public.
Losers:
All you assholes that said you would submit some words and didn’t…Mom, Dad!
gforce @ April 24, 2009
Invent-ation Contest: Make Up words in English
Posted in: Contests, Uncategorized | Comments (4)
A reader recently submitted the results of a Washington Post contest that asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.Here are a few of the the winners:
- Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
- Ignoranus : A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.
- Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
- Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
- Bozone ( n..): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
- Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
- Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
- Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
- Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
- Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
- Karmageddon : It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.
- Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
- Glibido : All talk and no action.
- Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
- Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
- Beelzebug (n.) : Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
- Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.
The Interweb Gazette is now extending this contest to YOU! The rules are simple: Either slightly change an existing English word and apply a new definition or take a real word and just reinvent the definition. Just post your ideas in the comment box below (your email address will be used solely for the purposes of this competition).
The First-Place prize is a FREE mattress (shown above)!!!!!
http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/zip/1100005291.html !!!! (It is one year old, great condition, only slight smell of urine).
Here are some more examples to get you thinking:
Scrotinize (v.): To Investigate, examine, and study–right down to the balls.
Inntards (n.): Tiny retarded elves that live inside you.
Aftermath (n.): A time of innumerable joy.
Assthetic (adj.): Big and sexy ambiance
Have fun and Good Luck!
gforce @ April 3, 2009
Stimulation Package: A Rousing Proposal
Posted in: Economy, US and World News | Comments (0)
Ohhhhh...Bama
The government’s large economic-recovery endowment, a formidable program, designed to rouse the economy and bring long-term prosperity to the American economy was initially met with much criticism. Some felt that the banking industry had loose morals and was unfit for government intervention. Others felt that intervention was inevitable. One CNN correspondent commented that the package “was a little bit of a tease at first, many were unsure if the Senate would really go all the way.” However, the recently passed $288 billion bill has proven that the government still got a way with the banks.
Some more insatiable banks claim that they will require much more stimulation and have made many desperate and pathetic attempts to win Obama’s attention. “Citi has been drunk-dialing me at all hours of the night. Bank of America even showed up at my bedroom window singing “In Your Eyes,” Obama recounted. Though banks have acknowledged their bad choices, they insist that they’ve gotten their “toxic assets looked at, and it’s really not that bad.” Citi’s latest text-message to the president at 3:00 a.m. explained, “the experts say that I can still lead a normal life and that my toxic assets won’t spread if we’re careful.”
The economic crisis has revealed the true colors of some institutions. AIG, for example, who had claimed to be down-to-earth in the “About Me” section on Facebook has proven to be frivolous and self-centered in the current recession environment. In their Match.com, profile AIG posted inaccurately attractive pictures and wrote, “honesty is key in any relationship, I enjoy volunteering and helping the needy.” In a recent Tweet, the government called AIG “a high-maintenance gold-digger who thinks that losing a yacht qualifies a person as needy.” Obama has exhausted all the social networking sites with pleas to get his money back as well as to berate the jilted institution.
The Obama Administration and the Senate have been steadily denying the possibility of long-term stimulation to any bank saying, “we haven’t had a talk about commitment. We’re just not ready to ask anyone to nationalize yet. I mean there are a lot of very attractive banks out there, we’ve just got a thing for the needy kind with a lot of baggage.”
gforce @ March 31, 2009
Obama Turns White House into Swanky Loft
Posted in: Politics, US and World News | Comments (0)
Cool Obama
In President Obama’s first month in office, he has set the tone by relaxing the dress code, decommissioning Guantanamo, and renovating the White House into a Soho loft. As a Mac user, innovator, and foodie, Obama was uninspired with the antebellum architecture and musty interior. His newly appointed team of trendy artists met early this week to discuss aesthetics, the human condition, and their general distain for politics.
The team, comprised of chic gay men and a token woman with mod hair, has been guarded about their designs for the white house, simply saying “clean, minimalist, and very unconvservative.” One designer told a charming anecdote about Obama’s decision to remodel, “It was the funniest thing, so I was at the inauguration dinner talking to my dear friend Barak, and I says ‘Oh my God, smells like moth balls and aristocracy in here. Someone get me some Swedish furniture.”
According to White House spokesmen, Obama felt that plantation-esque architecture was distasteful, especially considering the grueling tasks and endless work hours that lay ahead of him. In order to liven up the estate, Obama has added a basketball court and commissioned another child from Michelle.
In light of the economic woes, Obama has opted to use the IKEA Ektorp collection of couches, lighting solutions, and Detolf cabinetry. His trendy artist team has called the move bold, saying “faux pre-recession elegance is in” and “no one will ever know it’s not designer.” Though some historians and Washington old-schoolers have voiced concern about the loss of historic White House furniture, the Obama administration has insisted that heirlooms will be fairly priced on the Antique Road Show and all proceeds will go to bailing out banking executives.
gforce @ February 23, 2009
Your Parents Are Happier Without You
Posted in: US and World News | Comments (7)
Demanding Child
The United States Parents’ Guild released a statement on Friday letting children worldwide know that they are not the center of the universe. Children, who are often credited with having boundless creativity, innocence, and curiosity, have recently come under considerable criticism for their insatiable need for toys, undivided attention, and adherence to their fastidious eating habits.
The term “bundle of joy,” a pet-name infants have enjoyed for decades, is now losing favor among Generation-X couples who have exchanged the fruits of their youth and success for procreation. Couples have reported loss of friends, sex-drive, and looks as symptoms of parenthood. The Guild’s statement demands “children stop crying in restaurants, hitting strangers, and wetting the bed….or else.”
Despite this historic move by the Parents’ Guild, there are still skeptics who say that it may not be enough to curb the relentless neediness of children. “My kid has every I-pod and Wii imaginable, and he still wants more. When I was his age, I didn’t need any of that shit. I amused myself with cheap weed and hard liquor,” an aging fraternity-brother-turned-pharmaceutical-salesman explained. “I told my wife, look, of course he will be cute when he’s a baby, but he’s gonna get big, real big,” he complained as he pointed to his snot-nosed 10 year-old.
According to a government survey, most parents find babies adorable but not quite worth the hourly feeding and doting. Many of these same parents were unaware that children require food and water upwards of 8 times a day in addition to walks and holding. “It’s like it wants my whole day,” one mother explained. “Moreover, it poops its pants without even a hint of remorse.”
Although the children have been too insolent and rebellious to unionize, multiple tantrums, food throwing, and “I hate you” incidences have been reported. The Parents’ Guild has not confirmed if these children will be put in time-out or up for adoption.
gforce @ January 26, 2009
Illinois Governor Soils Himself at Work
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Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich
On Monday afternoon, Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, left work early due to an untimely and defiant poop. Though he has been criticized for his inclination to skip work and take undue vacations, there were no objections raised in response to his early departure. It appears that his arrest earlier this month and the barrage of corruption accusations against his administration have taken a toll on the Governor.
His closest aides have been quick to come forward, telling tales of drunkenness and cruelty. They say that Blagojevich’s normal scheming and nasty tirades have given way to incoherent rambles and paranoid behavior in the last few weeks. “I don’t know what happened to him after his arrest, now he’s always whispering to himself, shredding papers, and hording the free donuts,” one intern explained.
Though he generally prides himself on his expensive wardrobe and bouffant hair, on Friday he came to the office looking borderline homeless. “He used to become enraged when I didn’t have his Paul Mitchell hairbrush on hand…But now he even hates his brush. Yesterday he spent his whole morning letting it know that brushes don’t talk.” Many who know Blagojevich feel that the mounting pressures, brought on by the relentless media and the irritatingly virtuous Senator Obama, are bearing down on him.
However, on Monday, the Governor unloaded his pent-up feelings during a litigation meeting with Washington lawyers. “Senate Seat! Resign! God damn it, You fruitcakes want my office and all my kickbacks,” he said in response to being asked if he wanted coffee. “I’ll give you Federal corruption charges,” he yelled, as he released a bold flatus. Most present tried to ignore the outburst and continued the meeting but the innocent flatulence was followed by a deep and ominous rumble. A lawyer in the meeting described the scene as “exponentially more uncomfortable as the moments passed.” “The Governor seemed unphased at first, then his face lost its color and his eyes crossed a little, and that’s when he pooped his pants,” his secretary revealed. Inside sources recount five minutes of stinky silence, during which Blagojevich stared straight ahead hoping that no one had noticed. After some frantic glances, head shakes, and clandestine pointing, his secretary quickly shuttled the meeting goers out of the conference room, leaving governor alone in his own filth.
gforce @ December 16, 2008
Hillary Clinton Nominated Top Secretary: Obama Sweetens Deal with Shiny Typewriter
Posted in: New York News, US and World News | Comments (0)
Top Secretary
WASHINGTON — President-elect Barak Obama called for “new Washington administration” on Monday as he formally introduced his national security and administrative team. At the helm was his nominee for Secretary of State, New York Senator Hillary Clinton. The two fought bitterly over the democratic nomination earlier this year but Obama seems to have to finally recognizing her laundry list of credentials. Eager to have her in his cabinet, he formally nominated her on Monday and offered her a very shiny typewriter to seal the deal.
It should be noted that Secretary of State is the highest secretarial position in the United States, if not the world. It’s reserved for a very talented person with 10+ years experience in political offices, who has the swiftest of typing skills, and the organization of a robot.
Many have criticized Obama’s nomination of Clinton, saying, “There is too much rivalry between the two…when she takes notes, she might not write down the stuff she doesn’t agree with.” However, Obama has been firm in his nomination; Mrs. Clinton now must decide if she will leave her post as New York Senator. An analyst from Fox News said, “Well, she’ll be on the road a lot, and she has an unmarried daughter. She has got to ask herself, ‘Can I be a career woman and a mother and a wife?’”
Well, Obama believes she can and says he “admires her experience, wisdom, and incredible multi-tasking skills. Though she’s not so great with Excel, she is a wiz with memos.” Hillary has spent the last 36 years of her career perfecting her attention to detail and courteous phone voice in such stints as Yale Law School, being the Chair of the Children’s Defense Fund, and as Senator of New York. She was called “one of the more important scholar-activists of the last two decades” by historian Garry Wills, in reference to her warm motherly advice and groundbreaking work surrounding children’s rights.
Though the economic recession means she will be taking a pay cut (as compared with Colin Powell and his predecessors) Obama is confident that her millionaire husband will be able to support the family. There is also added overtime that has loosely been described as janitorial. “There is a great big mess in the Middle East, and if you need a few more hours, well then you’re welcome to start cleaning,” Obama reportedly said in a closed meeting with her Thursday.
gforce @ December 2, 2008
Cold Theft of Warm Scarf
Posted in: New York News | Comments (0)
While attending a “We are Scientists” concert on Saturday night, Chad Sherry’s plum-rouge foncé Pashmina scarf was stolen from his person.
Of all his winter accessories, this scarf was his favorite. Its sumptuous polyester-wool blend was a treat for his bare and vulnerable neck. Sometimes, when he had to sit next to the cold door at a restaurant, he would drape the long scarf over his shoulders for warmth and sophistication. It should be noted that it’s exquisite plum-rouge foncé color accented his rosy cheeks, giving him a fresh English-School-Boy look. Once, he was stuck at an across-town bus stop for 2 hours in November; his hair became brittle in the cold so he wrapped that scarf around his head like a Russian Grandma—preventing his pomade from freezing.
Those days are through, thanks to some smelly hipster and his sick sense of humor. Chad arrived at the concert at 8:30 sharp, as not to disrespect the opening bands with a late entrance. He quickly regretted his manners when “Grandma’s Boy” screeched at him like a pack of banshees. His attire was meticulous—a grey cardigan with oversized pockets, layered over a white v-neck tee. It was appropriately drab and yearned to be accented with a splash of rich fall maroons, but he decided to put his scarf in his murse.
When “We are Scientist” came on, he grooved, bumping into the surrounding concert goers. He was surprised by the songs played, as he was under the impression the songs were by “Bloc Party” or really any other wailing Indie Rock band of the last 3 years. Chad was so surprised that he didn’t notice the hand of a grimy hipster fondling his scarf.
After the audience demanded and received its encore, Chad and his friends made for the coat check where they suited up for their journey to the next bar. It was then that Chad noticed a void in his murse—a cold leather hollow met his searching hand instead of a plush Pashmina.
Chad was scarfless.
gforce @ December 2, 2008