Ohhhhh...Bama

The government’s large economic-recovery endowment, a formidable program, designed to rouse the economy and bring long-term prosperity to the American economy was initially met with much criticism. Some felt that the banking industry had loose morals and was unfit for government intervention. Others felt that intervention was inevitable. One CNN correspondent commented that the package “was a little bit of a tease at first, many were unsure if the Senate would really go all the way.”  However, the recently passed $288 billion bill has proven that the government still got a way with the banks.

Some more insatiable banks claim that they will require much more stimulation and have made many desperate and pathetic attempts to win Obama’s attention. “Citi has been drunk-dialing me at all hours of the night. Bank of America even showed up at my bedroom window singing “In Your Eyes,” Obama recounted. Though banks have acknowledged their bad choices, they insist that they’ve gotten their “toxic assets looked at, and it’s really not that bad.” Citi’s latest text-message to the president at 3:00 a.m. explained, “the experts say that I can still lead a normal life and that my toxic assets won’t spread if we’re careful.”

The economic crisis has revealed the true colors of some institutions. AIG, for example, who had claimed to be down-to-earth in the “About Me” section on Facebook has proven to be frivolous and self-centered in the current recession environment.  In their Match.com, profile AIG posted inaccurately attractive pictures and wrote, “honesty is key in any relationship, I enjoy volunteering and helping the needy.” In a recent Tweet, the government called AIG “a high-maintenance gold-digger who thinks that losing a yacht qualifies a person as needy.” Obama has exhausted all the social networking sites with pleas to get his money back as well as to berate the jilted institution.

The Obama Administration and the Senate have been steadily denying the possibility of long-term stimulation to any bank saying, “we haven’t had a talk about commitment. We’re just not ready to ask anyone to nationalize yet. I mean there are a lot of very attractive banks out there, we’ve just got a thing for the needy kind with a lot of baggage.”

On Thursday Democrats and Republicans were able to cross party lines and come together to bail out the failed US banking system. After Congress was unable to pass the $700 billion bill last week, Secretary of the Treasury Henry Paulson and Chairman of the Federal Reserve Ben Bernanke warned of impending doom to all those who didn’t heed their predictions, which they divined in their super-complicated top-secret meetings. This week Congress finally stopped pointing fingers and asking questions in order pass a bill that will undoubtedly “shore-up” our economy and save every American from a lifetime of destitution and unspeakable pain.

After some powerful testimonials and speeches, both sides refrained from thinking through the bill any further. The American people had had enough of questions like, “How does this solve the root problems that caused this economic crash,” and “Hasn’t history shown that bail outs encourage a culture of corporate inefficiency and hinder our economy from healing in the long run?” Luckily, that kind of filibustering non-sense was left to sillies like Ron Paul who sadly was unable to attend after he wondered off and got stuck in a bathroom stall.

The most moving speeches came from some Lost Boys of Lehman Brothers. The Lost Boys had been spotted peddling designer suits and begging for gas to fill up their Maseratis all over Wall Street. They have become a symbol of the utter despair that has swept the American banking industry. “Why us? You saved everyone else, everyone not but us? Promise that you won’t let another investment bank burn, never again, never again. Look what’s become of us, ohh the humanity,” pleaded Richard Fuld (Chairman of Lehman Brothers), “Please Mr. Paulson, I’m sorry I didn’t invite you to my Island in the Bahamas, I thought the government only gave 3 weeks vacation a year.”

McCain was the first to express his gratitude for his own leadership in swooping in to save the economy. Just like he didn’t leave prison camp before all the other POWs were freed, he didn’t leave Washington until the bill was passed. Most notably he stalled his presidential campaign to convince his Republican and Democrat friends that the bill was essential in shoring-up the economy, saving those concerned about health care and Iraq, and guarding the middle class from the apocalypse. Sarah Palin, was quick to pipe up with her approval, “Senator McCain has rallied the big-wigs of Congress brought them together to divert the land from parting and the flames of hell from consuming us all.” Though fiscal conservatives remain grumpy, their dreams of lowering the national deficit are no longer attainable; most have resigned to guffawing rudely and grumbling profanities.

Obama has also humbly taken a few crumbs of credit for the momentous passing of the bill, “This, America, is Change. The kind of Change that Bernanke can print at will…Mark my words, now the Fed’s balance sheet will never be the same.” Joe Biden, was also quick to back up his running mate by saying, “Don’t worry, America, there’s plenty more socialist reforms where that came from.”