Cool Obama

In President Obama’s first month in office, he has set the tone by relaxing the dress code, decommissioning Guantanamo, and renovating the White House into a Soho loft. As a Mac user, innovator, and foodie, Obama was uninspired with the antebellum architecture and musty interior. His newly appointed team of trendy artists met early this week to discuss aesthetics, the human condition, and their general distain for politics.

The team, comprised of chic gay men and a token woman with mod hair, has been guarded about their designs for the white house, simply saying “clean, minimalist, and very unconvservative.” One designer told a charming anecdote about Obama’s decision to remodel, “It was the funniest thing, so I was at the inauguration dinner talking to my dear friend Barak, and I says ‘Oh my God, smells like moth balls and aristocracy in here. Someone get me some Swedish furniture.”

According to White House spokesmen, Obama felt that plantation-esque architecture was distasteful, especially considering the grueling tasks and endless work hours that lay ahead of him. In order to liven up the estate, Obama has added a basketball court and commissioned another child from Michelle.

In light of the economic woes, Obama has opted to use the IKEA Ektorp collection of couches, lighting solutions, and Detolf cabinetry. His trendy artist team has called the move bold, saying “faux pre-recession elegance is in” and “no one will ever know it’s not designer.” Though some historians and Washington old-schoolers have voiced concern about the loss of historic White House furniture, the Obama administration has insisted that heirlooms will be fairly priced on the Antique Road Show and all proceeds will go to bailing out banking executives.

With 24 hours to the election, McCain announced that he has “had it up to here,” at which point he attempted to raise his hands above his head. “Ok maybe just to here,” he said with his arms extended in front of him, “but I’m willing to try plan D in order to win this election”. The failure of his negative campaign tactics and poor handling of the economic crisis has prompted him to go back to his roots—being a crazy Vietnam vet. 

“No one can win a war like John McCain…No one,” he announced at a press conference this afternoon. Senior McCain/Palin officials have already started a fresh batch of robocalls and commercials which paint McCain as a chiseled war hero who can take on more terrorists than Steven Seagal. “Our latest intelligence reveals that terrorists are multiplying and frothing at the mouth and in an effort to calm terrified Americans, I have suspended my campaign and flown to Washington to prove to the American people that I am not quitter and that I intend to defeat the hell out this enemy.”

After remembering the success of the 2004 elections, strategists have decided that terrorists, not the economy, are the number one issue for Americans. In the press conference, General Petraus, himself, confirmed that America is facing a new chapter in the war. “There is a new breed of enemy has transformed from regular freedom-hating radicals to ultra-radicals that cause bystanders to instantaneously hate all that is pure and free in this world…remember 28 Days Later? Kind of like that” he explained. 

McCain gave more details on our new predicament in the Middle East, “Unfortunately, the terrorists have mutated from a simple Axis of Evil into Super-Villains, who have an unquenchable thirst for destruction. Our only chance of stopping the hate spoors from reaching America is to release the ultimate fighting machine… T-Rex.” 

President Bush has thrown his power behind the plan saying, “Our last hope of ensafening the Middle East and securing McCain’s seat in office is to let T-Rex do justice unto the people of Iraq.” As of this morning, scientists have unveiled their genetically re-created dinosaurs who have already begun intensive dissident eating training.

Just when Senator Barack Obama’s lead in the polls and popularity seemed out of control, McCain and Palin pull out their trump card. Is it luck, or is it just Team Maverick? Their campaign strategy of standing up to the greedy Washington elite with systematic fist shaking and crotchety reprimands have finally paid off. McCain’s unique brand of ornery scolding has visibly flustered big-spending out-of-touch-politicians, driving notorious figures to publicly support a less righteous candidate. On Monday, President Bush shocked the world by endorsing Senator Obama, which resulted in an immediate boost in McCain’s sliding numbers in the polls.

The announcement came in the wake of a slew of endorsements for the highbrow Illinois senator. Critics claim that this will prove to the American people that McCain is a Washington-outsider who stands up to the business-as-always politicians, even republicans. “See! McCain really socked it to the pork-bellies this time, not even cronies like Powell and Bush like him,” said a Joel Smole, a senior McCain/Palin campaign strategist. “Polls show that 85% of voters will vote opposite of Bush. The Mavericks have out Mavericked themselves this time,” Smole explained with a smirk.

One of the most notable Obama endorsements came from former Secretary of State Colin Powell, one of the few members of the Bush cabinet who has retained credibility, despite his dark skin. McCain strategists were thrilled with his announcement until they noted that Powell got a little carried away by criticizing McCain’s erratic handling of the financial crisis and mean-spirited campaign tactics. Luckily, Powell was easily discredited seeing that he is clearly a reverse racist, a claim proven by his long-time friendship and association with Condoleezza Rice.

Other high profile republicans were quick to associate themselves with the likeminded power-monger Barack Obama. Conservative heavyweight, Ken Adelman, a long-time chum of Rumsfeld, Cheney, and Wolfowitz, plans to support a democrat for the first time in his life. “I never thought that a republican candidate would shake up Washington so much with his relentless pursuit of democracy and reform; I’m going for the most corrupt and egocentric candidate, Obama,” Adelman explained. This was just after Christopher Buckley cut ties with the National Review and nearly made his father rollover in his grave when he leaped “into the Barack Obama Bandwagon.” “McCain is a man of the people, a Joe the Plumber kind-of-guy. Sorry National Review, but I’m voting for a Washington-insider who panders to big lobbyists,” Buckley announced in The Daily Beast.

Many wonder if the freshly powdered McCain/Palin ticket is enough to win the election. With other Obama endorsements from degenerates like Eminem, power-hungry Eric Schmidt (CEO of Google), and the stereotypically rich-white-businessman Warren Buffet, many predict a landslide victory for McCain.