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For Preventing the Poor from further Burdening the Economy and Emergency Rooms, and for making them Beneficial to the Public

It is an unsightly thing for those who walk through this great town or travel the country, to see the streets, the roads, and apartments cluttered with beggars, unhinged veterans, and self-righteous street kids with Ramones buttons and poorly thought-out tattoos.  Although the economic crash of 2008 has turned around positively for Wall Street, there is still the problem of the poor capitalizing on the high unemployment rate to siphon money from bank relief funds to float their own wretched existences.  More distressingly, these poor have banded together in majority support of public health care, which amounts to an unveiled money- grab at America’s elite, the top 10% that owns 71% of the nation’s wealth.

Sadly, the throngs of the poor are only increasing their ranks through excessive birthing, and by the middle class yielding to laziness and self-indulgence. They refuse to work and make an honest living, turn their backs on binding loans entrusted to them by our bankers and credit-card companies, and worse, they then demand medical charity. Is it not enough that the uninsured have reaped the benefits of laws requiring emergency rooms to tend to people claiming serious injury? More and more of the under-insured and uninsured are seeking care in emergency rooms, wasting $14 billion of taxpayer money every year.

I am not referring to upstanding Americans; I speak of the very least productive segment of the population. The bottom 90% only generates 29% of the nation’s wealth and yet they spend their days depleting valuable resources from the contributing members of society. The poor have failed to better their lives and shamelessly neglect their neighborhoods, parks, and schools. They are relentless in their demand for government handouts.

It does not take an economist to calculate their burden to the economy and high society.  It troubles no one more than me to see this vast inequity of talent, hard-work, and individual worth amongst Americans. The bottom 90% must not be rewarded for pursuing blue-collar careers, teaching, and non-profit endeavors. This adds almost no incremental wealth to the country. In a country as free as ours, we are the masters of our own destinies, provided one comes from a lineage endowed with intelligence and strength of character. Let us make no mistake, those who elect to be the deadweight of the bottom 90% should liable for those decisions.

It is already an unsettling experience to go to a doctor, but imagine having to wait in the same room and receive the same services as a recently unemployed factory worker—or worse—a single mother with 6 children in tow. Their plight is their own and I expect a certain decorum in our institutions of healing.  Otherwise, on what would we base our standards of medical excellence?

As I have mentioned, the masses have been meeting to discuss a public option, which would undoubtedly result in our hospitals turning into assembly points for ruffians and communists and would, no doubt, accumulate the stink of a public library.  I think I speak for everyone when I say that this option need be explored no further.

THE SOLUTION:

I shall now humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will not be liable to the least objection. I have been assured by a very knowing Chinese acquaintance of mine, that a healthy child or young adult can fetch a most handsome price in the market for organ transplants. I do therefore offer it to public consideration that of the 45 million uninsured already computed, 20% be reserved for breeding, whereof only ¼ part to be males, which is more than we allow sheep, cattle, and swine.  The remaining 80% would be offered in sale to persons of fortune in this great country.

This would undoubtedly eliminate organ transplant waits for paying customers. One need wait no longer for a timely death to replace a cognac-pickled liver or filet-mignon-encrusted heart. The organs will be volunteering themselves in exchange for low-cost medical insurance and a hefty non-taxed payment to the carcass’ families. This would mean up to $4,000 for working-class families who choose to sell a child or relative.

A recent study released by Harvard University calculated that nearly 45,000 people a year die due to lack of insurance; this is an inexcusable waste. Their body parts could be harvested and be truly appreciated by the more productive members of society. Amongst this pool alone, we would generate nearly $135 million in organ inventory per year.

While 13 million of the nation’s most virile 20-35 year-olds are uninsured, we need not consider them useless and unprofitable. They boast the finest organs, and with the high unemployment rate, more families and lovers would be willing to sell their 20-35 year-olds to pay for mounting housing, educational, and medical costs. This is an opportunity rarely afforded to people with such little money and few skills. This is their chance to give back to society, make an honest living, and do immeasurable good to the nation’s elite.

There are enumerable other benefits. In addition to vital organ harvesting, I propose to open up a whole new market in non-vital harvesting. Annually, Americans spend $13 billion on cosmetic surgery, be it on silicon, monkey hair plugs, metal joints, botox, or synthetic cartilage. We have the opportunity to make use of millions of otherwise indolent citizens for cosmetic surgical part extraction.

I see no benefit in using expensive silicon breast augmentations when some of our nation’s finest mammaries would available for sale. Perhaps your socialite daughter suffers from an offensively large nose; she could simply select a nose of her choosing from thousands of attractive faces. Not only would this help her maintain a natural look, but she would know that the corpse was certified organic. A dear friend of mine often complains of his aging wife who has succumbed to grotesque skin sag and wrinkles. She would be saved from using potentially harmful chemical peels and creams; she could simply have supple baby skin graphed to her face, neck, and chest.

The dwindling and thriftier middleclass (as I confess the times require) could be the ideal market for flayed carcasses—used to make commercial accessories. Human skin, when properly treated, can make admirable clutches and totes for ladies and debonair boots for gentlemen. Although the use of human skin for luxury fashion has been looked down upon in the past, if quality and stylish garments were strategically placed on Miley Cyrus, Megan Fox, and David Beckham, I am confident these products would soon acquire couture appeal.

Several knowledgeable Washington lobbyists have been so kind as to review and amend my proposal.  Their additions are as follows:

1. We must make sure that the carcasses with diseased or past-prime organs not be wasted. Past-prime organ donors would be sold to a less profitable international market, bringing in an additional $7 billion annually.

2. People with non-comprehensive insurance would have the option of donating either their own duplicate organs or those of a family member to cover out-of-pocket expenses, yearly premiums, or deductibles.

3. Diseased bodies, living or otherwise, would be sold to pharmaceutical companies or University Hospitals for medical testing. Although these low-grade patients would fetch lower prices, the aggregate profits to American families could be almost $50 million annually and generate incalculable profits to society in the form of medical advancements.

I can think of no objection that could possibly be raised against this proposal, unless it be in regards to price caps on healthy organs. The families of the donors will undoubtedly attempt to charge the rich unfair prices for the bodies, given their recent cries for socialism. I think it is well established that affordability is an integral part of the health care system overhaul.

I profess, in the sincerity of my heart, that I have not the least personal interest in endeavoring to promote this necessary work, having no other motive than the public good of my country, for providing a means of relief for the poor, and giving some benefit and pleasure to the rich. I myself am sterile and have few living relatives and therefore could not profit from my otherwise excellent genes.

Two hours into it—that’s the Limit of my Control before I had to escape Jim Jarmusch’s three-hour homage to his own brain diarrhea in script form.

The plot, or lack there of, consisted of following a mysterious, strong, and solitary stranger hired to go on a glorified scavenger hunt through the shady streets of Spain. He spends two hours of your life collecting messages in matchboxes from a series of cartoon-like characters involved in an avant-garde criminal operation.

Though the cinematography, by Christopher Doyle, was outstanding, the director managed to spoil the stunning scenes of Spain with absolutely no storyline and characters whose only depth came from their costume designers. You would think that with an all-star cast like Bill Murray, Gale Garcia Bernal, and Oscar winning Tilda Swinton, that the director would be more original than introduce them all with, “you don’t speak Spanish, do you?”  The monotony of his the repetition was only rivaled by that of the many “art film” clichés.

Perhaps most frustratingly, Jarmusch insisted that everyone with a speaking role provide some thought-provoking morsel of wisdom. However, the philosophical tid-bits made little to no sense and the artsy buzzwords only reminded the viewer that they are not as smart or deep as Jim Jarmusch.

The only shocking twist in the end, is me walking out to sneak into Anvil, a truly worth while work of art.

http://www.anvilthemovie.com/

A reader recently submitted the results of a Washington Post contest  that asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are a few of the the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus : A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone ( n..): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon : It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido : All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.) : Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.

The Interweb Gazette is now extending this contest to YOU! The rules are simple: Either slightly change an existing English word and apply a new definition or take a real word and just reinvent the definition. Just post your ideas in the comment box below (your email address will be used solely for the purposes of this competition).

The First-Place prize is a FREE mattress (shown above)!!!!!

http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/zip/1100005291.html !!!! (It is one year old, great condition, only slight smell of urine).

Here are some more examples to get you thinking:

Scrotinize (v.): To Investigate, examine, and study–right down to the balls.

Inntards (n.): Tiny retarded elves that live inside you.

Aftermath (n.): A time of innumerable joy.

Assthetic (adj.): Big and sexy ambiance

Have fun and Good Luck!