Ohhhhh...Bama

The government’s large economic-recovery endowment, a formidable program, designed to rouse the economy and bring long-term prosperity to the American economy was initially met with much criticism. Some felt that the banking industry had loose morals and was unfit for government intervention. Others felt that intervention was inevitable. One CNN correspondent commented that the package “was a little bit of a tease at first, many were unsure if the Senate would really go all the way.”  However, the recently passed $288 billion bill has proven that the government still got a way with the banks.

Some more insatiable banks claim that they will require much more stimulation and have made many desperate and pathetic attempts to win Obama’s attention. “Citi has been drunk-dialing me at all hours of the night. Bank of America even showed up at my bedroom window singing “In Your Eyes,” Obama recounted. Though banks have acknowledged their bad choices, they insist that they’ve gotten their “toxic assets looked at, and it’s really not that bad.” Citi’s latest text-message to the president at 3:00 a.m. explained, “the experts say that I can still lead a normal life and that my toxic assets won’t spread if we’re careful.”

The economic crisis has revealed the true colors of some institutions. AIG, for example, who had claimed to be down-to-earth in the “About Me” section on Facebook has proven to be frivolous and self-centered in the current recession environment.  In their Match.com, profile AIG posted inaccurately attractive pictures and wrote, “honesty is key in any relationship, I enjoy volunteering and helping the needy.” In a recent Tweet, the government called AIG “a high-maintenance gold-digger who thinks that losing a yacht qualifies a person as needy.” Obama has exhausted all the social networking sites with pleas to get his money back as well as to berate the jilted institution.

The Obama Administration and the Senate have been steadily denying the possibility of long-term stimulation to any bank saying, “we haven’t had a talk about commitment. We’re just not ready to ask anyone to nationalize yet. I mean there are a lot of very attractive banks out there, we’ve just got a thing for the needy kind with a lot of baggage.”

Cool Obama

In President Obama’s first month in office, he has set the tone by relaxing the dress code, decommissioning Guantanamo, and renovating the White House into a Soho loft. As a Mac user, innovator, and foodie, Obama was uninspired with the antebellum architecture and musty interior. His newly appointed team of trendy artists met early this week to discuss aesthetics, the human condition, and their general distain for politics.

The team, comprised of chic gay men and a token woman with mod hair, has been guarded about their designs for the white house, simply saying “clean, minimalist, and very unconvservative.” One designer told a charming anecdote about Obama’s decision to remodel, “It was the funniest thing, so I was at the inauguration dinner talking to my dear friend Barak, and I says ‘Oh my God, smells like moth balls and aristocracy in here. Someone get me some Swedish furniture.”

According to White House spokesmen, Obama felt that plantation-esque architecture was distasteful, especially considering the grueling tasks and endless work hours that lay ahead of him. In order to liven up the estate, Obama has added a basketball court and commissioned another child from Michelle.

In light of the economic woes, Obama has opted to use the IKEA Ektorp collection of couches, lighting solutions, and Detolf cabinetry. His trendy artist team has called the move bold, saying “faux pre-recession elegance is in” and “no one will ever know it’s not designer.” Though some historians and Washington old-schoolers have voiced concern about the loss of historic White House furniture, the Obama administration has insisted that heirlooms will be fairly priced on the Antique Road Show and all proceeds will go to bailing out banking executives.

Demanding Child

The United States Parents’ Guild released a statement on Friday letting children worldwide know that they are not the center of the universe. Children, who are often credited with having boundless creativity, innocence, and curiosity, have recently come under considerable criticism for their insatiable need for toys, undivided attention, and adherence to their fastidious eating habits.

The term “bundle of joy,” a pet-name infants have enjoyed for decades, is now losing favor among Generation-X couples who have exchanged the fruits of their youth and success for procreation. Couples have reported loss of friends, sex-drive, and looks as symptoms of parenthood. The Guild’s statement demands “children stop crying in restaurants, hitting strangers, and wetting the bed….or else.”

Despite this historic move by the Parents’ Guild, there are still skeptics who say that it may not be enough to curb the relentless neediness of children. “My kid has every I-pod and Wii imaginable, and he still wants more. When I was his age, I didn’t need any of that shit. I amused myself with cheap weed and hard liquor,” an aging fraternity-brother-turned-pharmaceutical-salesman explained. “I told my wife, look, of course he will be cute when he’s a baby, but he’s gonna get big, real big,” he complained as he pointed to his snot-nosed 10 year-old.

According to a government survey, most parents find babies adorable but not quite worth the hourly feeding and doting. Many of these same parents were unaware that children require food and water upwards of 8 times a day in addition to walks and holding. “It’s like it wants my whole day,” one mother explained. “Moreover, it poops its pants without even a hint of remorse.”

Although the children have been too insolent and rebellious to unionize, multiple tantrums, food throwing, and “I hate you” incidences have been reported. The Parents’ Guild has not confirmed if these children will be put in time-out or up for adoption.

Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich

On Monday afternoon, Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, left work early due to an untimely and defiant poop. Though he has been criticized for his inclination to skip work and take undue vacations, there were no objections raised in response to his early departure. It appears that his arrest earlier this month and the barrage of corruption accusations against his administration have taken a toll on the Governor.

His closest aides have been quick to come forward, telling tales of drunkenness and cruelty. They say that Blagojevich’s normal scheming and nasty tirades have given way to incoherent rambles and paranoid behavior in the last few weeks. “I don’t know what happened to him after his arrest, now he’s always whispering to himself, shredding papers, and hording the free donuts,” one intern explained.

Though he generally prides himself on his expensive wardrobe and bouffant hair, on Friday he came to the office looking borderline homeless. “He used to become enraged when I didn’t have his Paul Mitchell hairbrush on hand…But now he even hates his brush. Yesterday he spent his whole morning letting it know that brushes don’t talk.” Many who know Blagojevich feel that the mounting pressures, brought on by the relentless media and the irritatingly virtuous Senator Obama, are bearing down on him.

However, on Monday, the Governor unloaded his pent-up feelings during a litigation meeting with Washington lawyers. “Senate Seat! Resign! God damn it, You fruitcakes want my office and all my kickbacks,” he said in response to being asked if he wanted coffee. “I’ll give you Federal corruption charges,” he yelled, as he released a bold flatus. Most present tried to ignore the outburst and continued the meeting but the innocent flatulence was followed by a deep and ominous rumble. A lawyer in the meeting described the scene as “exponentially more uncomfortable as the moments passed.” “The Governor seemed unphased at first, then his face lost its color and his eyes crossed a little, and that’s when he pooped his pants,” his secretary revealed. Inside sources recount five minutes of stinky silence, during which Blagojevich stared straight ahead hoping that no one had noticed. After some frantic glances, head shakes, and clandestine pointing, his secretary quickly shuttled the meeting goers out of the conference room, leaving governor alone in his own filth.

Top Secretary

WASHINGTON — President-elect Barak Obama called for “new Washington administration” on Monday as he formally introduced his national security and administrative team. At the helm was his nominee for Secretary of State, New York Senator Hillary Clinton. The two fought bitterly over the democratic nomination earlier this year but Obama seems to have to finally recognizing her laundry list of credentials. Eager to have her in his cabinet, he formally nominated her on Monday and offered her a very shiny typewriter to seal the deal. 

It should be noted that Secretary of State is the highest secretarial position in the United States, if not the world. It’s reserved for a very talented person with 10+ years experience in political offices, who has the swiftest of typing skills, and the organization of a robot. 

Many have criticized Obama’s nomination of Clinton, saying, “There is too much rivalry between the two…when she takes notes, she might not write down the stuff she doesn’t agree with.” However, Obama has been firm in his nomination; Mrs. Clinton now must decide if she will leave her post as New York Senator. An analyst from Fox News said, “Well, she’ll be on the road a lot, and she has an unmarried daughter. She has got to ask herself, ‘Can I be a career woman and a mother and a wife?’” 

Well, Obama believes she can and says he “admires her experience, wisdom, and incredible multi-tasking skills. Though she’s not so great with Excel, she is a wiz with memos.” Hillary has spent the last 36 years of her career perfecting her attention to detail and courteous phone voice in such stints as Yale Law School, being the Chair of the Children’s Defense Fund, and as Senator of New York. She was called “one of the more important scholar-activists of the last two decades” by historian Garry Wills, in reference to her warm motherly advice and groundbreaking work surrounding children’s rights. 

Though the economic recession means she will be taking a pay cut (as compared with Colin Powell and his predecessors) Obama is confident that her millionaire husband will be able to support the family. There is also added overtime that has loosely been described as janitorial. “There is a great big mess in the Middle East, and if you need a few more hours, well then you’re welcome to start cleaning,” Obama reportedly said in a closed meeting with her Thursday.

New York, New York—Old Man Sanders has been a fixture of the Union Square subway stop for the last 20 years. He has a bench that he fervently defends and an area where he stores his assorted cans and chachkis. He makes quite a spectacle of himself with prolonged and garbled rants about the government, Vietnam, and the super spyware which the government is currently using to track him and everyone else who isn’t “one of them.”

Sanders has taken refuge in the safety of the underground metro stations where super sonic satellite beams cannot reach him. Though he doesn’t consider himself a hero, he has dedicated his life to warning the people of New York about the evils being done upon them by their very own elected officials, families, and anyone who wears a watch. “They have the computer chips…garble garble…in your credit cards and they are linked to Their underwater facilities in the Hudson,” he explained to reporters. “Radio Frequency Identification Detectors can read your mind…GET OFF MY BENCH whitie,” he relayed as large droplets of spittle were launched at reporters.

When Interweb Gazette got wind of the allegations espoused daily by Mr. Sanders, we had our unpaid intern investigate via the “inter-webs.” It wasn’t until she read multiple articles from sources such as New York Times, Scientific American, and US Weekly that she learned that RFIDs, phone-tracking technology, and satellites are not just instruments of wily science fiction writers—they are real. As it turns out, IBM has patented technology which will eventually track our every move! Our intern’s internet research also revealed that this technology is just a piece of IBM’s master plan to enslave humanity, bring it to its knees, and to finally be recognized as more than a just an old washed-up company with no good ideas. Whether IBM ever manages to not suck is unclear, but what is clear, is that Old Man Sanders deserves your doggie bag, not a dollar because he’ll spend it on booze, but seriously, give him that half sandwich.

New York– On Wednesday afternoon, 23 year-old Eddie Richards was taken into custody by the New York Police Department after over a month of complaints being submitted to NYPD and the local neighborhood watch. Richards had been classified as a level-two Bully after taking a Martial Arts class, learning the Sleeper Move, then trying it on locals.

As of early June, Richards took a Karate/Tae/Judokwondo or one of those Far East martial arts classes at the local YMCA. Though he was told that he would learn the “Three D’s of Asian Fighting Arts” (Discipline, Determination, Danger), he actually learned none of them. He began his path down the path of mastering the Three D’s Asian Fighting Arts with gusto when he was dubbed a Shiro-Obi, or, “white belt.” By the third class, when he had not broken a cinder block with his bare hand or defeated a band of anonymous ninjas with some roundhouse kicks, he grew disillusioned. His instructor Ken Smith, it seemed, was more concerned with teaching safety and discipline, than actual Jackie Chan shit.

Richards began to realize that Ken was probably not going to impart any Mr. Miyagi wisdom onto him. “The only reason I came to the 4th class was cause chicks dig guys with ninja moves.” It was also in the fourth class that the sub-par martial arts instructor, Ken, showed the group of yokels off the street, the Sleeper-Move. When Daily Grind Reporters asked Smith why he would teach the Sleeper Move to students who were not yet ripe for the forbidden fruits of ancient Judo moves, Smith replied, “I am just a teacher, I can’t make them learn anything, they do that themselves.” The manager of the YMCA chimed in, “These people are like bricks, the chances of them actually retaining information is very low. I think we should be amazed that that low-life Eddie as able to apply lessons to real life.”

However, Eddie’s 8 victims have expresses very different feelings. “I was selecting a deodorant at Walgreens when all of a sudden I hear ‘Its pay-time Johnny,’ then someone tries strangling me from behind…next thing I know, I wake up curled up on the floor clutching a stick of Old Spice,” recounted Eddie’s brother Johnny Richards. “He is an asshole and a loser,” Johnny spouted.

Though no formal charges have been brought against Richards, “he is in for an ass-beating,” explained neighbors and friends. It seems that justice has been taken into the hands of locals instead of burdening the over-crowded judicial system. Richard’s mother agreed that community punishment is the way to go when she formally stated, “that dead-beat son of mine needs to a swift kick in the ass and a job.”

LONDON–The Cambridge Department of Holiday Excellence has released the findings of a three-year study. After an extensive evaluation of iconic holidays such as Christmas, Hanukah, Kwanza, Eid Al-Kabir, and the Chinese New Year, it was decided that Halloween “is hands down the coolest day in on the celebratory calendar.”

Professor Harry Foley, an acclaimed expert on sojourns and festivities, flew in from the south of France to partake in the historic holiday examinations. “I simply couldn’t get into Christmas, too many expectations…get me presents, put up lights, be witty in front of relatives…it just wasn’t merry,” he explained. Foley did, however, favor Kwanza “I still don’t really know what it involves, and I guess freedom is what I look for in merriment.”

The five-member team of experts first met September of 2004 and has been heartily enjoying the holiday seasons since. While resting from the jamboree, the scientist poured over a 300-page report that outlines the pros and cons of every event. Some pros included bashes, gifts, and hugs, while cons included fruitcake, senile relatives, and the Wallgreens decoration aisle.

The decision to crown Halloween as the victorious holiday came only last Friday as the team met to discuss their upcoming costume selections. It was decided that Halloween is a day for all, whether it be the children, the elderly, the dead, middle aged couples who like to entertain, rowdy dudes, and girls who like to dress slutily sometimes. “I have already decorated my house with ghosts and gory dead-people. Then I will wait until dark, invite young children in and offer them a feast of candy,” relayed one professor creepily.

When Halloween enthusiasts got wind of Cambridge’s decision, The Interweb Gazette was there to get their reactions. “LOL, I can’t wait to be like a sailor, except one that wears red fishnets and stiletto heals,” said an Alpha Beta Phi member who is currently in the planning stages of “like the biggest Halloween party EVER.” “Halloween is the only time anyone knocks on my door, I hope this article will increase this years number of visitors,” said Dick Rodgers, who kind of looks like a pedophile. Another Halloween zealot has vowed to make this the best Halloween in the world’s history as a commemoration of the holliday beating Christmas and Hanukah. She said, “I am going to wear the funniest costume, I haven’t thought of it yet, but its gonna be soooo fuckin funny that you are going to shit your pants, dude…I mean literally.”