Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich
On Monday afternoon, Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, left work early due to an untimely and defiant poop. Though he has been criticized for his inclination to skip work and take undue vacations, there were no objections raised in response to his early departure. It appears that his arrest earlier this month and the barrage of corruption accusations against his administration have taken a toll on the Governor.
His closest aides have been quick to come forward, telling tales of drunkenness and cruelty. They say that Blagojevich’s normal scheming and nasty tirades have given way to incoherent rambles and paranoid behavior in the last few weeks. “I don’t know what happened to him after his arrest, now he’s always whispering to himself, shredding papers, and hording the free donuts,” one intern explained.
Though he generally prides himself on his expensive wardrobe and bouffant hair, on Friday he came to the office looking borderline homeless. “He used to become enraged when I didn’t have his Paul Mitchell hairbrush on hand…But now he even hates his brush. Yesterday he spent his whole morning letting it know that brushes don’t talk.” Many who know Blagojevich feel that the mounting pressures, brought on by the relentless media and the irritatingly virtuous Senator Obama, are bearing down on him.
However, on Monday, the Governor unloaded his pent-up feelings during a litigation meeting with Washington lawyers. “Senate Seat! Resign! God damn it, You fruitcakes want my office and all my kickbacks,” he said in response to being asked if he wanted coffee. “I’ll give you Federal corruption charges,” he yelled, as he released a bold flatus. Most present tried to ignore the outburst and continued the meeting but the innocent flatulence was followed by a deep and ominous rumble. A lawyer in the meeting described the scene as “exponentially more uncomfortable as the moments passed.” “The Governor seemed unphased at first, then his face lost its color and his eyes crossed a little, and that’s when he pooped his pants,” his secretary revealed. Inside sources recount five minutes of stinky silence, during which Blagojevich stared straight ahead hoping that no one had noticed. After some frantic glances, head shakes, and clandestine pointing, his secretary quickly shuttled the meeting goers out of the conference room, leaving governor alone in his own filth.
Tuesday, December 16th, 2008, 12:44 pm | 
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