Demanding Child
The United States Parents’ Guild released a statement on Friday letting children worldwide know that they are not the center of the universe. Children, who are often credited with having boundless creativity, innocence, and curiosity, have recently come under considerable criticism for their insatiable need for toys, undivided attention, and adherence to their fastidious eating habits.
The term “bundle of joy,” a pet-name infants have enjoyed for decades, is now losing favor among Generation-X couples who have exchanged the fruits of their youth and success for procreation. Couples have reported loss of friends, sex-drive, and looks as symptoms of parenthood. The Guild’s statement demands “children stop crying in restaurants, hitting strangers, and wetting the bed….or else.”
Despite this historic move by the Parents’ Guild, there are still skeptics who say that it may not be enough to curb the relentless neediness of children. “My kid has every I-pod and Wii imaginable, and he still wants more. When I was his age, I didn’t need any of that shit. I amused myself with cheap weed and hard liquor,” an aging fraternity-brother-turned-pharmaceutical-salesman explained. “I told my wife, look, of course he will be cute when he’s a baby, but he’s gonna get big, real big,” he complained as he pointed to his snot-nosed 10 year-old.
According to a government survey, most parents find babies adorable but not quite worth the hourly feeding and doting. Many of these same parents were unaware that children require food and water upwards of 8 times a day in addition to walks and holding. “It’s like it wants my whole day,” one mother explained. “Moreover, it poops its pants without even a hint of remorse.”
Although the children have been too insolent and rebellious to unionize, multiple tantrums, food throwing, and “I hate you” incidences have been reported. The Parents’ Guild has not confirmed if these children will be put in time-out or up for adoption.
