As of early June, Richards took a Karate/Tae/Judokwondo or one of those Far East martial arts classes at the local YMCA. Though he was told that he would learn the “Three D’s of Asian Fighting Arts” (Discipline, Determination, Danger), he actually learned none of them. He began his path down the path of mastering the Three D’s Asian Fighting Arts with gusto when he was dubbed a Shiro-Obi, or, “white belt.” By the third class, when he had not broken a cinder block with his bare hand or defeated a band of anonymous ninjas with some roundhouse kicks, he grew disillusioned. His instructor Ken Smith, it seemed, was more concerned with teaching safety and discipline, than actual Jackie Chan shit.

Richards began to realize that Ken was probably not going to impart any Mr. Miyagi wisdom onto him. “The only reason I came to the 4th class was cause chicks dig guys with ninja moves.” It was also in the fourth class that the sub-par martial arts instructor, Ken, showed the group of yokels off the street, the Sleeper-Move. When Daily Grind Reporters asked Smith why he would teach the Sleeper Move to students who were not yet ripe for the forbidden fruits of ancient Judo moves, Smith replied, “I am just a teacher, I can’t make them learn anything, they do that themselves.” The manager of the YMCA chimed in, “These people are like bricks, the chances of them actually retaining information is very low. I think we should be amazed that that low-life Eddie as able to apply lessons to real life.”

However, Eddie’s 8 victims have expresses very different feelings. “I was selecting a deodorant at Walgreens when all of a sudden I hear ‘Its pay-time Johnny,’ then someone tries strangling me from behind…next thing I know, I wake up curled up on the floor clutching a stick of Old Spice,” recounted Eddie’s brother Johnny Richards. “He is an asshole and a loser,” Johnny spouted.

Though no formal charges have been brought against Richards, “he is in for an ass-beating,” explained neighbors and friends. It seems that justice has been taken into the hands of locals instead of burdening the over-crowded judicial system. Richard’s mother agreed that community punishment is the way to go when she formally stated, “that dead-beat son of mine needs to a swift kick in the ass and a job.”