Demanding Child
The United States Parents’ Guild released a statement on Friday letting children worldwide know that they are not the center of the universe. Children, who are often credited with having boundless creativity, innocence, and curiosity, have recently come under considerable criticism for their insatiable need for toys, undivided attention, and adherence to their fastidious eating habits.
The term “bundle of joy,” a pet-name infants have enjoyed for decades, is now losing favor among Generation-X couples who have exchanged the fruits of their youth and success for procreation. Couples have reported loss of friends, sex-drive, and looks as symptoms of parenthood. The Guild’s statement demands “children stop crying in restaurants, hitting strangers, and wetting the bed….or else.”
Despite this historic move by the Parents’ Guild, there are still skeptics who say that it may not be enough to curb the relentless neediness of children. “My kid has every I-pod and Wii imaginable, and he still wants more. When I was his age, I didn’t need any of that shit. I amused myself with cheap weed and hard liquor,” an aging fraternity-brother-turned-pharmaceutical-salesman explained. “I told my wife, look, of course he will be cute when he’s a baby, but he’s gonna get big, real big,” he complained as he pointed to his snot-nosed 10 year-old.
According to a government survey, most parents find babies adorable but not quite worth the hourly feeding and doting. Many of these same parents were unaware that children require food and water upwards of 8 times a day in addition to walks and holding. “It’s like it wants my whole day,” one mother explained. “Moreover, it poops its pants without even a hint of remorse.”
Although the children have been too insolent and rebellious to unionize, multiple tantrums, food throwing, and “I hate you” incidences have been reported. The Parents’ Guild has not confirmed if these children will be put in time-out or up for adoption.
Monday, January 26th, 2009, 11:57 am | 
US and World News | 
RSS feed
| 
Respond | 
Trackback
January 26, 2009 at 4:09 pm
That child looks eerily like our brother.
January 27, 2009 at 10:55 am
hi comment #2.
sorry to hear this post pissed you off. but maybe it’s not too late for you to do an abortion..
January 27, 2009 at 7:26 pm
Good work! Thank you very much!
I always wanted to write in my site something like that. Can I take part of your post to my blog?
Of course, I will add backlink?
Sincerely, Reader
January 29, 2009 at 8:59 am
Yes of course! Thanks!
October 23, 2009 at 12:24 pm
coem on there “babies” you have to nurture them not to poop there pants come on if you cant hanndle taking care of a baby then as of right now STOP USING YOUR BABY MAKEING FACTORY!!!!
November 14, 2009 at 10:01 pm
Baby Gift
November 16, 2009 at 11:53 am
Killer punch line . . . nicely written man . . . hahahahahahahahahahahaahhahahaahahahhahaha
April 2, 2010 at 1:21 pm
Hey mate, thanks for sharing but this page is hard to read in Firefox it is is overlapping.
May 18, 2010 at 9:52 pm
HA! Great posts! I really like it.
May 26, 2010 at 5:50 pm
I think you have a great site. Thanks for sharing.
May 26, 2010 at 9:08 pm
I always love reading your stuff
June 7, 2010 at 1:26 am
hi, thank you for this amazing information. Therefore, I would like to ask for your permission to add some of this information in my blog. Of course, I will provide a link to your , as a source of my mentioned information.
June 11, 2010 at 8:40 pm
Hey I was just looking thru your website on my Pure phone and I was thinking about how good it will work on the new ipad thats coming out. Fleeting thought…. Anyway thanks!
June 15, 2010 at 3:44 pm
Can i link to this article?
June 17, 2010 at 11:05 am
hello, found bing to your website and it displayed funny but after refresh site displayed good. Just thought id let you know and keep up the good work
June 25, 2010 at 6:38 am
Thank you very much. Sunny article Appreciation pro sharing this impressive article, This board is very sunny! I choice visit again.
July 16, 2010 at 1:53 pm
Beautiful post. I found what I was looking for. Do you care if I repost this on my web site and give you credit? If not, it’s ok.
September 3, 2010 at 4:55 pm
I think Obama is getting a good job ang gets a lot of undeserving flak!
September 6, 2010 at 12:50 pm
Just as what I needed. This is great!